Lesson's learned.

You all remember my last entry about having my feelings hurt after being what I felt was an attack on a comment I made on a friends blog. It has been an amazing learning experience for me, and even though I was hurt and my ideas and beliefs were challenged, it felt good to think about the reason's I believe what I do, and it only reaffirmed what I already knew to be true. I want to share these things on my blog for all of you, but especially for me. When I make my 2011 book, it will be in there for me to read and remember, because its a lesson I may need to be reminded of over and over again. Its going to be long, so bare with me, and I will completely understand if you don't read it all. I of course won't post everything, but just the things that I feel are important and that I want to remember.

It all started when I read a friend of mine (whom I'll refer to as H)'s blog. She wrote a very personal experience about a very real thing for a lot of women, including me at times, She talked about the awful feelings and thoughts about not being an adequate Mother, about feeling like she made a mistake in thinking she could do this, and that she didn't want to do it anymore. She also talked about an answer through prayer that she received through her little boy, that made her want to try harder and be better. It was beautifully said and I for one was grateful for her honesty. I commented about how I felt the same way and talked a bit about my experiences and then I said that these feelings were normal but not right. That Heavenly Father didn't intend for us to be unhappy in this calling. I felt good about what I said, but later when I checked to see some of the responses and advice that she got, one of her follower's totally dissed my comment, making me feel really bad. I wrote back making sure H new what I meant and that I didn't hurt her feelings, then I politely told N that she said some hurtful things and that I thought it was uncalled for. Anyway, she wrote back saying she was sorry for hurting my feelings, but that what I said was damaging to young lds women and that she stood by what she said. So I wrote a response back to defend myself and my beliefs. I'm still undecided as to if I should send it to her or not, but I would like to share my answer now, on my blog, because its something I believe in strongly and want to remember.

"I appreciate your response, but feel that we have differing views on this. I think you got to explain why you feel the way you do, so I would like to explain why I feel the way I do. I’m not trying to change your opinion, but only defend my reasons. First I would like to say that what someone says reflects who they are, so when you attack someone’s words, you are attacking them. I did feel attacked. I’ve had a hard couple of years with some very hard circumstances and struggles and it’s been a long time since I’ve truly felt good about myself. That is a journey that I am facing and I am slowly putting the pieces back together and am trying to find that inner happiness within myself. Just because you have a different opinion then someone else it doesn’t mean you should tear their opinion down and say unkind and offensive things to prove your opinion or ideas. There is a much nicer way to do it.

You assumed right. I always think about a response before I say it, especially with something so raw and personal as what H shared with us. I meant what I said. Of course we’re not going to be happy all the time. Nobody enjoys “cleaning up messes all day long”. I will always hate potty training my kids, but we are not talking about little things like that. We were talking about feeling so bad and having such awful thoughts that we “wish we were doing something else” or that we “regret having kids”. To me, those are serious, and dangerous thoughts. Are they normal, yes. Many women feel that way. I have felt that way. Are they rational? No. They are dangerous. Is it right for us to regret having kids? NO it is not. When we feel those feelings, do we like it? No. Does it scare us? Yes. So what do we do. We pray, we find anything that will help us be happy again, that will help us enjoy our lives. I know women personally who have let those feelings fester and do nothing about them. They feel justified in feeling those things and they spend less and less time with their kids, and more time doing things for themselves and it has caused problems in their marriage. Women leave their kids and husbands searching for a more selfish kind of happiness. I’ve worked with women who have gotten their children taken away from them because they didn’t want to take care of them. Are these extremes? Yes. But they’re real things that are happening to good people. My comment was for H, because I knew she would know what I was talking about and not be offended or be hurt by my comment. We have discussed this and she wasn’t. She understood what I was saying. Does she agree with me? I don’t know, that’s not the point. But atleast she knows that I cared enough to share my experiences and ideas. When you share something like that, your going to get opinions and advice that you don’t agree with or will never try. The point is you see the support and friendships that you have to help you get through it. She said she didn’t want “any pats on the back” and that’s what I did. I told her how I felt about it, and I stand by that. It’s normal to feel those things, but it’s not right. We should do everything we can to move ourselves away from those destructive thoughts.

Motherhood IS a calling from God. He does want us to be happy in this calling. Will we be all the time? No. Does he know that? Yes. But he also trusts us to do all that we can to find that happiness. To be good Mother’s, and to take are job seriously and do the best that we can. It’s a journey different for each of us, but he wants the same outcome for all of us. My friend said it best when she said “so just b/c our thoughts or feelings are human nature...doesn’t mean we should encourage them and coddle ourselves and not learn or grow or try to change our thoughts or bad feelings...about motherhood, about life, about ourselves...about anything...

you allow yourself to feel those thoughts and then move on..move up..move forward...that is why we are here...bottom line.”

I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on this matter. Are my ideas flawed or dangerous? No. Are yours? No. They are just different. What works for you, may not work for me. That’s okay. If we’re both happy, and are learning, and growing, and are striving to be something better, then that’s the most important thing. I don’t expect you to respond. I think we both said how we felt and explained why. That’s the beautiful thing about differing opinions. Sometimes your ideas will change and grow into something more, or sometimes it will just reaffirm even more strongly the things you already believed. I just ask that you be careful how you express your opinions and not do it by tearing other’s opinions and ideas down.

Good luck to you in all you do

Kelli Olsen"

I sent my response to my dearest friend Devon to see what she thought. She truly is my soul sister. We are very different people with very different personality's but we are both passionate about the same things and have the same beliefs about pretty much everything. She wrote this response back to me, which I thought was beautiful and inspiring, and so true. Again, sorry for the length, but these are very important things to remember!

"I think that regardless if you send this or not..that 2 things happened here as a result of this situation:

1. By stating your original thoughts and then by having them challenged like they were in a public way you perhaps created a moment for any other woman who read what transpired to dig deep and decide how they felt about the negative thoughts in their life. Will they all agree with you? Perhaps not, but maybe one will...maybe the next time her readers feel like motherhood is a noose around her neck- there may be a small voice that whispers to her that there is no greater calling..that joy in motherhood is possible..and is of God. There may be a voice that reaffirms the power of your words.

2. And perhaps most important... This incident reaffirmed what YOU know to be true. So when YOU have those feelings of inadequacy, when you feel like motherhood is a noose around your neck..then perhaps what you have said here is an affirmation of the testimony you have that motherhood is a divine calling from God, it will give you the strength to get through the rough moments, because you know in your heart that there is joy to be had, that you have been blessed beyond your ability to comprehend with these glorious little spirits, because Heavenly Father trusted you enough.

I truly believe that this has been one of God's tender mercies, and although it may have felt harsh and hurt your feelings, the lesson you are learning far outweighs the momentary hurt that it caused. Heavenly Father knows you. Without a doubt, he knows your name, your strengths and every one of your weaknesses - He sent his son, our savior to feel each one of your sorrows and heartaches and every feeling of sadness and inadequacies. he felt it all- collectively for all of us, but most importantly individually for you. If you were the only one ever to be sent to this earth..Christ would have still died for you..it's really quite humbling..reminds me often that I can overcome all things.

And so maybe my friend 3 things have come from this...another tender mercy..perhaps you have reminded me (not a mother- and because of that I have my own self pitying thoughts) that I should step up and fulfill my divine calling here on earth, you have reaffirmed my belief in a Father in Heaven who ultimately sent us here to find joy..that we might overcome the natural man to become like our savior.

So friend maybe it did not feel at the time like this was a life lesson, or a blessing...but I think that indeed it is. I said it before and I will say it again..even though many times I will stumble, and forget..many times the weight of motherhood for you, and the lack of motherhood for me will cause us to be filled with self pity, despair and heartache...

Joy is of God. He provided a way that we might find happiness in ALL things..Satan is the father of despair..it is as simple as that.

As women, no matter what our trials are..we must remember who we are, who we have been sent to be, who we can become..step up and rise to the occasion. Despite all of those voices in our heads that tell us we can't, or we shouldn't have to, or it is too hard...I know that you and I can.

That was a long winded response sorry, but these words are coming a mile a minute and I feel impressed to write them, perhaps more for me even..to remind myself of who I am.

Your response was so articulate, so pure and true..and brave. Whether you send it or not..learn the lesson that Heavenly Father is placing before you as a result of this...see this as a tender mercy..and feel reaffirmed in your testimony of your divine and sacred calling.

I love you! I'm grateful that we have these moments as friends and sisters where our spirits feel as though they are one! I almost want to thank that woman for providing a way for this to happen..I think I needed it.

Have a good day, drink some Ginger tea :)

If you need me. I'm here"

Isn't she the bestest! I just really want to thank all you amazing Women out there who are giving it your all. You have all been such good examples to me and I really enjoy reading your blogs! I know that Heavenly Father appreciates all that you do and will be there for you when you need him! Love you!